Wonder

Do you ever wonder?

It used to be when I was younger that I would “wish” stuff. You know, “I wish this could be different”, or “I wish I could be like that”………..

I don’t recall “wishing” anything lately. I guess when you grow up you come to the conclusion that your wishes are mostly within your control and you don’t fret about them so much.

So what’s left?

Well, for me, what’s left is to wonder if I did it right. Or if I did it wrong, what can I do to fix it.

I guess most of this stuff is related to being a parent.

I have great kids. I’m very proud of them. Did they turn out the way I “wished” they would? I have no idea because at the time of their birth my wishes somehow became “hopes” and those hopes are much different by definition that wishes could ever be.

Wishes are specific. Hopes are general.

And I think that the “hopes” have turned out quite well.

I always hoped that my kids would get along with people. I hoped that they would be popular and stand up for what they believed in. I hoped that there was something that they would believe in! I hoped that they would be healthy. I hoped that they would find happiness as they struggled to grow up in an increasingly complex world.

And I am very satisfied that they are fine. They are both in college so they have a long way to go in terms of defining who they want to be and the implementation process that goes along with that.

I know that I would never want to go back and do it all again. It was way too hard.

I wonder about their relationship skills. I wonder if they learned the good as well as the bad from them watching their parent’s marriage end. I wonder if they harbor any illusionary responsibility for that stuff. I hope not.

I wonder if they can find that certain someone that would make them realize their “purpose” in life like their father did.

If I could give them one bit of advice that they would take to heart it would be that they never have to “settle” for anything in life. It’s all a journey and if you don’t like where you are today that you have the opportunity and the skills to change it and move towards where you want to be. I would also tell them that the place they think they want to be will continually change and what they think is important today may not mean shit to them tomorrow.

But mostly I would tell them that the most important decision they will ever make will be the person that they choose to spend most of their time with. The choice of partner is the most important thing they can ever do. It will literally define how they view the rest of their lives. I would want them to know that it’s OK to make a mistake but don’t ever feel duty bound to continue to make that mistake.

Lord knows I did. For way too long and I know why I did it and I stand by it – I just wish that I had done something earlier……………but that’s all water under the bridge.

So I sit here and wonder at how life works out.

And I smile knowing that it’s still unfolding.

I hope that they find the happiness I have found and that each day for them becomes the joy I have come to know and count on.

And I still hope for the Powerball.

But that’s another story……………………..