Pain...............

I have lived with pain for so very long that it has become a friend of mine.

Doesn’t that sound so very strange?

Pain exists on so many different levels.

For years and years there was the pain in my heart where I took my hopes and dreams and put them away for safekeeping. Isn’t that what we all do when we are faced with living a life that is not what we imagined it could be?

Where do we put our hopes and dreams if they are not realized? Do you lie to yourself and say they don’t matter? Or did you do like I did and compartmentalize them – just put them away until you could drag them out later and try to do better?

I know, those questions are heavy – but they are valid.

I can honestly report that I stood up and dragged mine out into the sunlight, admired them and then put them back on the outside, like a mantle of biblical proportions.

It’s no secret that I am married to the girl of my dreams and it has made the totality of all my experiences worth each one I have endured in my life.

And it does not make me sad to think of all the time I lost, that time was used as well as I could use it – but today, oh today I am just so very thankful that life is now where I want it to be.

I do not have the words to express how very fortunate I feel in my life.

My most beautiful and wonderful wife hates how “cocky” I am. She does not think it is a positive trait that I believe that I am “the man”. But truly, in my heart I just know that I am "the man" because I am living a dream and give thanks for all of that – all the time!

Which I suppose, makes me a smiling, arrogant son of a bitch.

But I just can’t stop smiling and I refuse to apologize for any of it.

So back to the topic – let’s just say that the pain in my heart has been handled and replaced by the knowledge that I am living my life exactly how I always dreamed ti could be – and it’s very, very simple. I love and am loved and it feels just so very RIGHT.

Don’t know how else to describe it. But I guess I do it well enough because I seem to make everyone sick as I go about my life trying to describe it and live it.

And I’m glad – may I continue to make everyone sick!!!

So on to other pain – the physical variety.

This was the year that I decided to fix myself. Get all my ailments taken care of. Why? Because now I had more to live for than I ever dared to hope I did.

It’s amazing to think back to how the pain of the heart made the physical pain I felt seem so righteous. I may as well hurt physically because I hurt so much emotionally?

It may not make sense – but it certainly was true.

So I checked in and got rods screwed into my spine to make my back stop hurting.

Guess what – that damned surgery HURT.

But it did fix the back pain. But for now, the “old” back pain has been replaced by the “new” back pain. It IS getting better and I truly feel like this will be a very positive experience in the long run.

I understand that I have hurt for so long that pain has become almost a friend to me. It actually gives me strength.

I have always understood that if I embrace the pain and it will just become part of me. It is simply my private struggle that I try not to share with anyone else.

My love knows I hurt. She sees me struggle to get up and down and I know that I don’t ever fool her. But at the same time, I’m not going to complain about it. That the last think she needs is to have someone else bitching at her about their life. She gets that all day long at work.

Nor do I subscribe to the notion that “it’s not fair”. I’m not even sure what that means – but I do notice that lots of people take that position. I don’t think I’ve ever run the “it’s not fair” banner up the flag pole.

If I have, it was a momentary failing.

So I suffer in silence and am happy to do so.

I am trying very hard to get back on my feet and make progress. The cruel thing about all this is that the only time your really have time to do that is in the evenings and that is the time that you have dealt with it all day long and you’re just worn out.

But I will get there and be in good shape and as pain free as a boy my age can be. And I’ve set it as my goal to be there by the end of next year.

So if you see me laying on the floor, give me a hand up. And don’t feel sorry for me because I left most of my pain behind earlier this year.

Here’s to living large – and here’s to you!

Peace.