Knee Knocking

I was sitting here thinking about funny things and how sometimes miscommunication and assumptions are the bane of all of us.

I want to take you back, way back to the summer of 1995. Wow, that was 15 years ago!

I had been invited to speak on a panal at a very large company's convention at an island resort off the west coast of Florida (Marco Island if I remember correctly).

I would be on a 5 person "expert" panal and answer questions from the audience that would be moderated by someone funny, charming and intellegent (sounds like me - don't it!).

Now I love to talk so this was no sweat to me.

Plus I got 4 days at a fabulous resort on the beach that I would never be able to afford!

So, I was in my room taking a shower to prepare for my 3pm "round table" presentation and I hear a banging on my door.

It wouldn't stop so obviously it wasn't room service.

I get out of the shower and put on a towel over the good stuff, and answer the door.

There before me is a little short man who I know is the VP of Marketing for this large company.....he tells me that I have to go on in 5 minutes and everyone is waiting for me.

WTF??

It's only 1pm and I don't have to be anywhere till 3pm. I have no idea what he's talking about.

He said, "3pm is for the roundtable - 1pm is for your keynote address at the agents meeting.

I say, "WTF" (a phrase I would repeat for the next few minutes without ceasing).

He says, "hurry, please get dressed"

So I do and we go walking down to the convention rooms at the resort.

We stop before a door and he tells me to just go directly to the stage and stand behind the microphone, they have a video introduction of me to do before I speak.

I can't begin to tell you what a state of complete shock and amazement I am in at this moment. I truly had no idea I was doing this. I certainly thought I would have remembered if I had agreed to it....shit

Well, I take a deep breath, throw open the door and walk straight to the stage.

About that time, I see the president of the company say "Well, it seems we've found Mr. Kennedy" and steps back.

At that moment, the house lights dim and they show a video of my company's images and say some nice things about me that make me look like I know what the hell I am doing.

The video ends with them saying something like "so please put your hands together and welcome Mr. Keith Kennedy to kick off our meeting".

I step up to the microphone and the house lights come up to thunderous applause that can only come from conventioneers that have had too much alcohol already.

It was at the moment that the lights came up that I could finally see that there were several thousand people sitting in that room.

Several Thousand.........

Holy Shit - look at all those people.

The first thing I noticed after seeing all those people was the fact that there was a 20 foot version of me on three video screens behind and above me. Everywhere in my peripheral vision was, well, ME.

After doing a few 360's I think I said something like, "wow, that's a good looking fellow"......

My mind was honestly still racing to come up with something to say.

The tone of this convention has been lost in my memory - probably blazed out by the sheer terror I experienced, but I think it had to do with partnerships between customers and their vendors or some such touchy-feely thing.

So I did the only thing I could think of, I started speaking Spanish.

I spoke Spanish for a good 60 seconds.

Now, my Spanish is very basic but I have control of nouns and verbs and can congigate a bit......but I'm sure it wasn't a great moment for that language and the buchering job I did on it.

I said something like who I was and what I did and how I love life and where I lived and several other things like where is the bathroom.

And then I stopped and looked out over the audience.

They were stone cold and not moving, making a sound.......not even a fart.

The silence was deafening!

And then, I said "by your silence I can see most of you had no idea what I just said".

I went on to say "I would like for everyone who understood what I said to please raise your hand".

About 20 people from Texas raised their hand (you'll have to remember that this was before the "great mexican migration" of this decade).

And then I said, "so I guess what you're telling me is that shippers and truckers don't speak the same language!"

At that, the entire room erupted in clapping and laughter......

I have no idea what else I said in that talk. I do remember that most of the time was spend in a question and answer session so I could fill the 30 minutes that I was supposedly supposed to do.

I left that stage and exited through the same door I came in - and right after me came the VP that had come to my room to collect me just a bit earlier.

He told me that I did a great job and thanked me profusely......I in turn choked down the desire I had to kill him on the spot for this.

I asked him how the hell I could have come here for this and not known I had to do it.

And you know what his answer was?

"It must have been a miscommunication"........

So if you ask me to go do something with you or for you, and I seem to ask you a thousand questions about it, please understand that I have history that makes my do that each and every time.

Peace