Dog Tired But Very Hopeful.

Wow, an entire weekend of amazing things.

First of all, my love came home. Yea for me!

But most importantly, her daddy has responded very well to the medicine for his heart. They even moved him out of ICU yesterday and put him in a room. Actually, it's a suite. Guess it's good to know the adminstrator of the hospital..........

Anyway, they are going to be able to do the heart surgery tomorrow and hopefully fix his bad ticker. Oh, I pray that they do.

His pressure on his bad valve was somewhere around 90/45 when he went it and the doctor had no confidence that they could get it down anywhere near normal (which is 28/14). But after 24 hours on the "super medicine" his pressure was 28/15.

So we've gone from not looking too good to looking really good. I'm very happy.

But while they were hospital sitting I was having to clean out my mother's apartment. I have to be out of it today so I'm about to go finish cleaning up. I FINALLY got everything packed up and moved but I'm very, very tired. Too much work for this back that is still healing.

But you have to do what you have to do - so I press onward.

My girl is still sick. She's been under the weather for a week now and I'm ready for her to be well. Hopefully a sucessful surgery will speed things along with her as well - even though all she'll be doing is waiting. I know how stress can effect the body. Oh yea, I know that one well.

So please pray for my baby's father's heart. And if you want to throw any in for peace of mind, please do that as well.

I believe. And because I believe I ask.

So peace be with you.........

What, Me Worry?

Feeling a bit like Homer today. That may or may not be a strange thing. Word is that my baby is coming home tonight. And that is a VERY GOOD THING! I miss her so much.

Her daddy is sick. Real sick. And it's breaking my heart. I went through the death of my father in 1995 and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him or think of him. There are times that I want to talk with him so badly that I just pretend he is there and do it. That's usually when I'm driving so no one thinks I'm crazier than they already think I am.

But there are times when I transfer my experience to others that I love so they can prepare for the worst - and the enevitable. Everyone dies and normally it's never when they should.

Which always makes me think about what really matters in life. I think I have a very good grasp on the order of things and my personality is one that almost forces me to share these things with people that I sense are "in need".

The first thing is that it is SO USELESS to drag old concerns into the present. Just as it is ridiculous to fear the future. The only thing that TRULY matters in life is right now. Beating ourselves up for what we have done in the past is fruitless and to worry about what MAY happen tomorrow is counterproductive.

We are called to live our love every minute of every day and in doing that, we get the most out of our lives. To worry about what MAY happen completely robs us of the joy we can get for free each day simply by loving with all our hearts.

To believe in oneself and trust in the moment is a tremendous gift that all of us can grasp and all we need to have is the proper attitude to enjoy these things.

I am asking for prayer for my love's father. This weekend will be tense in the hospital and I personally hang on to the hope that the doctors can fix his heart problem. I pray for peace of mind for all involved - no matter what the outcome.

I love my girl so much. I can't adequetly describe just how much because it is so much bigger than words. And she loves her daddy, as all little girls do. And I'm so afraid that if something bad does happen that she will be so full of regret for things in the past instead of enjoying the memories.

I truly believe that the greatest gift God gave us was memories. A way to honor and cherish and always keep at the forefront of our thoughts and actions our loved ones. One of the saddest things for me was that my father never got to meet my love. He HATED my ex-wife and thought I chose very poorly. And he was right. Not to disparage another person but she was just not the one for me and he knew that from the very beginning and still had the love in his heart to be positive and help me TRY to make it work.

But (write this down, it's VERY important) you should never ever have to TRY to make love work. Love has a life of it's own and there is no try - there is only do. Love is a verb. It's not a philosophical exercise. It's real and it deserves to be lived out each and every day and that is where happiness lives.

So again, I truly believe that those who believe in themselves and are where they are supposed to be are able to trust in the moment and they are the ones that find life the most enjoyable - no matter what the circumstances are. They believe that the past is a place to store memories, not regrets and that the future, no matter what happens, is a place that is full of promise, not apprehension.

So enjoy today. Enjoy every day. Because you truly never know when that will be taken from you.

Peace.

The Week Goes On F-O-R-E-V-E-R

My baby's out of town.

Meeting at the most luxurious casino this side of Vegas - Steve Winn's fabulous Beau Rivage.

And I'm here at home waiting.

I know I shouldn't whine, but hell, I'm a man. And everyone knows that nobody can whine like a man...........

And I know that she'll be back on Friday - maybe even Thursday night - but I sure am missing her.

It's never one thing in particular. It's just the fact that she's not here. I simply miss her presence. I miss the way she smells. I miss her smile. I miss her frantic attempts to do homework with the little one. I miss fixing her dinner. I miss all of it.

At another time in my life and in another relationship, I would have relished this week and taken the opportunity to sow many wild oates. But no more - because there is no where I would rather be than with her.

So before anyone accuses me of being whipped - Bite Me! I am whipped and I'm right where I had always hoped I would be.

So pray for me.

Peace.

Tagged by the Coffey Girl

Been tagged - or like I'm saying today "waiting for inspiration and it came". Thought about what to blog today and had nothing on my mind. Too much stuff rolling around up there for anything clear to come.

So let's get to it!

Here are the 5 questions and my rambling answers.................

#1. You have close to 20 tattoos now. What was your first tattoo and what inspired you to get that first ink?

I'm pretty sure it was margarita's that got me to do that first ink. Either that or the girls that all had tattoos that were making fun of me for not having one at the bar that night. So I went and got a hundred dollars out of the ATM and went to the tattoo parlor with girls in tow.

Now before we get carried away with the girls thing - it was just some college girls and I knew their parents, so nothing nefarious going on there.

But we were hooting and hollaring and it took a while to choose what I wanted and where I wanted it. I finally came upon the chinese symobls and the girls all chose the one that represented "wisdom" and I said "cool!". Yes, boys and girls, once upon a time I actually had lots of wisdom..........

So I got it put on my back right at my left shoulder. This was 10 years ago. It was about 3 years later when I got the bug again. Have no idea why, but it seemed like a good idea to me to put my "five pillars of manhood" on my back. So in order, across the top of my back went the following tattoos in quick succession: Wisdom, Strength, Courage, Honor and then in the middle of my back was one that says Love. It's four times as large as the others and it took 6 hours of tattooing which I took at one sitting and then passed out from the pain.

Yea, for those of you that don't know - tattoos hurt. Bad. And that's part of the "fun" of them. Can't really explain that - but it's true.

Then others came as inspiration hit. Next up is a memorial tattoo of my dad. I've got lots of money invested in my body art which is why I no longer sit in the sun and brown myself. I'm white - but very colorful.

And you either like that or you don't. I keep all my tattoos in places that I can cover them with my clothes so I don't scare our customers when I make sales calls or presentations. You can be a bit of a rebel and still conform to societies expectations. I think.

#2. If you had to pick a theme song, it would be...........?

These are the questions that probably change all the time - but since it's today - I guess I'll have to think of one for today........hummmm.........thinking.........

OK, it's not the Mary Tyler Moore theme, I can assure you of that.

Too much punk and alt rock in this head for that - so for today I'm going with Iggy Pop and his song "Lust for Life" that was written in the late seventies with David Bowie and is now starring in the most bizzare way in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line commercial on TV.

Music has had such a huge impact on my life, through the highs and lows, it is always there to soothe my soul or make my point. It allows me to describe what I am feeling by what I listen to. Which is why I'm saddled with 2500 albums and an armoire full of CD's.

But there are much worse vices and much more destructive tendencies that we could exhibit, so I think music is cool and I'm listening to my "theme song" right now!!!

#3. How did I meet my sweetness?

That's a great story. I met her around '95 and she was in my Sunday School class. Yep, how's that for depravity? I was her Sunday School Teacher.

Always had a connection with her. And I mean from the very start. We're very similar in some ways, such as our sense of humor - and yet very different in our view of the world. I'm a little less of a conformist than she is and it makes for the best combination in the world.

It took lot's and lot's of work for me to win her - because she's way over my head - but I wouldn't have it any other way.

She makes me want to get up in the morning............and she most assuredly makes me want to go to bed at night!!!

I love her totally and completely - and what else do you really need in life to be happy?

#4. What do I love best about this age? And, of course, what do you dislike?

Well, I've said on many occasions, that our hearts tell us we're at halftime but my head tells me I'm well into the third quarter..........

But with that said - I love this age. I'm still young enough to do whatever I want, but old enough to have the wisdom from prior mistakes that everyone makes and that I'm pretty much through with making all of those.

I actually do have that "wisdom" that I mentioned earlier in my tattoo rant.

I'm very self-confident. Although I always have been - but in the past, so much of that was bravado on my part with me praying that it would work out. Sometimes it did, but sometimes it didn't.

I'm through with all that now. I don't need to be the center of attention. I don't have to be the smartest person in the room anymore. I don't have to have all the answers. All I have to do is LISTEN. And it's amazing what you can learn when you sit back a little and let life just take it's course instead of trying to pull it by the horns the way you want it to go.

Plus, I can now walk away from a fight instead of insisting that it occur. I miss the fights and the testosterone that they produce, but all in all, It's a worthy trade for peace of mind, soul AND body!

Oh, and I almost forgot the most important one: I can now afford any kind of car I want. Yea, that's very cool.

Oh, Oh, AND - I can make love all night as a mature man instead of being a thumble-fingered kid trying to find the meaning of life. Can't let that one pass by - it's very important.

As for what I don't like about this age, the only thing I can think of is that my (once) incredibly athletic body has let me down. And in truth, it's been that way for a while and I just ignored it.

All my injuries from the balls-to-the-wall athletic feats have taken their toll. On a cold, rainy day, I can't hardly get out of bed and I creak and pop and ache. If this is a primer for "old age" then I won't mind being in the third quarter.

So I'm trying to fix everything and be a kinder, gentle person to myself and see if I can't get a few more miles out of this thing.

#5. If you could go back in time, what decade/city would you like to experience first hand?

Well, my first reaction would be in 1965-1969 in San Fransisco. Since I would have been only 4-8 years old, I missed that. But I did go in 1976 as a puffed up teenager for a while and I always felt like I missed out on the good stuff. What an amazingly care-free but unsustainable way of life.

But as I think of this more, I'm pretty sure I would go back farther. Maybe the 1920's in Paris - at the time of Josephine Baker and all that enlightenment and fun.

Or maybe I would like to go back to ancient Greece and sit at the feet of the great philosophers.

Or maybe go and take St. Peter's place at Jesus' side, we sound like the same kind of guy.

That must have been a great question since I've answered it several different ways. So I guess what I wish for would be a time machine so that I could do something different each day!

But if any of this meant I would have to do these things without my love, then I would respectfully say no - because right now is the best time of my life. And that's the God's Honest Truth.

So, thanks Beth for the questions - I enjoyed answering them. Now I think I need to do some work so that I can stay ahead of the game.

Peace.

Forver and ever and ever and ever

Oh yea, I got my girls name tattooed on my chest this weekend. Old School style!!!

Guess that means forever, doesn't it!!!

Lots of varying opinions at the tattoo parlor. Got some "aw, ain't that sweet" comments as well as some "dumb son of a bitch" comments.

But for my money, I know how I feel and I'll love her long after this tattoed flesh melts from my body.

So they can all kiss my ass.

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Monday's

I'm confused about Monday's at times.

If you follow the Mama's and the Papa's - well Monday is just OK with me.

But if you subscribe to the Boomtown Rats then you don't know why you don't like Mondays. But you really don't like them.

Normally, I love Mondays because usually the problems don't come until later in the week and it's kind of a clean slate type of day.

But this Monday is blue.

I didn't get through with the weekend. I was having fun over the weekend and I didn't want it to end.

Work has, forever and day, been a refuge for me to get away from it all. A place where I was in charge and could sit back and shape events without anyone yelling at me. But as a "free man" who is wonderfuly in love, I now don't want to come to work because I hate leaving her.

So what's a boy to do?

It's also creeping up on the end of the month so I have to move all of my mom's stuff out of her apartment. Yee Hawwwwwww. I hate moving - even if it's not me. But this time, with her in the nursing home, I got to throw away lots of stuff.

Actually, my love got to throw away lots of stuff. She worked over there for 6 hours on Saturday and had a great time going through the pictures and other "stuff". She lasted 4 hours more than I did because my back was killing me this weekend.

But alas, it will be sad. This is the week I have to do SOMETHING with my mom's two cats. And that SOMETHING is to take them to the place where animals get adopted from. I haven't been able to find anyone that wants two cats for inside pets. I don't like cats too much. I'm a dog boy. Actually, I do love cats - but I don't love the cat hair, the litter box and the shredding of the furniture that gets done by the cats.

OK, enough about the cats. Sorry. But it will be sad as I "close out" this phase of my mother's life. I'll keep her furniture in my house at the farm "just in case" she ever gets out of the nursing home - but that probably won't happen since she has no legs and isn't getting any younger. But she at least needs that "hope" of something to make her days pass more pleasantly.

So anyway, I'm not likeing this Monday so much.

Hope yours is better!!!

Shoot at me Asshole

Been thinking about the shooting at Virginia Tech. Wondering what kind of person could do something like that -

And then I watch the interviews with the guy's "suitemates" and think to myself - "that's the kind of guy that would do that".

If anyone ever needed Prozac of one of those depression drugs, it was this guy.

Seemed crazy as a loon and had apparently been crazy for years and yet, there he was - all disconnected from reality and living in a place a beautiful as Blacksburg, VA.

Which is, by the way, one of the most beautiful places in the contiguous lower 48.

I can understand rage. We've all felt it. But there is something inside of us that lets most of us deal with it and finally discard it as we mature. What is it that drives people without that certain something?

I mean, seriously, is it just crazy - or is it something else?

I guess there are somethings that will forever be unanswered.

I watched a show on Germany in the early 30's last night (love the History Channel!) which told exactly how the Germans came to the point where they felt it was OK to kill all the Jews. And I mean, not just the Ghestapo or the SS, but ordinary people. And the logical side of my brain hears what they say but my heart screams "NO" - how can you justify killing anyone that is just living thier lives. How can hatred and intollerance come to dominate someone's way of thinking?

One thing's for sure - they couldnt' blame it on violent video games in the 30's!!!

So I will pray for the victims - and especially for the troubled soul that did all this. But in the meantime, I will carry my loaded pistol within reach - just in case that ever comes to close to home and becomes an non-academic question...........

Peace.

OK, Maybe I'm Just A Five-Million Dollar Man

In regards to my last post, where I mentioned that I was going to see the dermatologist and have a vasectomy.

I did it!

And neither one was much fun.

I had two places I wanted my friend the dermatologist to look at. He did. Said it was nothing, but he said "I can see some skin cancer on your face from over here".

Oh great.........

He said, no problem, I'll just burn it off for you. It may STING a little.

So here's the word of warning: When the doctor says it may STING a little - he's lying. It's going to STING a lot. He put some kind of liquid nitrogen stuff on my face and it felt like I was in the Indiana Jones movies and my face was melting. And it STUNG for three days.

Next time I see him, I'm going to thump him in the balls and see how he likes it.

And speaking of balls......

Yea, the next day was the vasectomy.

Now I know how you girls feel with your yearly checkup. Put you in the chair that leans way back with your legs spread and put your stuff right up there for all to see (and cut on). It took about an hour and I had to get her to give me some more "local" stuff for the pain every once in a while - but she sliced and diced and now after a few weeks I will be legally sterile.

Then everything swelled up and turned purple and green and yellow and blue. Quite a cornacopia of fall colors. If I were brave enough, I would post a picture on here - but alas, I was raised better than that.

My love took good care of me. I took it easy for the rest of Friday and all weekend - just like the doctor told me. So I came to work Monday with ice packs on my stuff and here it is Tuesday and the ice packs have become my best friends.

I also got a new tooth last week - a crown that had broken off a few months ago. So I have all my teeth, my back is good as new, I can see for miles with my new eyes, I'm cancer free and I can't have any children anymore.

The only thing I have left is to fix my left shoulder - no rotator cuff from 31 years of competitive swimming (yep from 6 years old to 37 when I just had to hang up the speedo because of the pain). But I'm going to wait until my back completely heals before I dive into my shoulder. So sometime in the Fall I will tackle that one.

In the meantime, I will enjoy life and give thanks for insurance!

I hope everyone is happy and alive. I'm listening to joni mitchell this morning and she's calming my soul and there is truly nothing better than a calm soul.

Remember to hug someone today and I'm going to work - this update is officially finished!

Six Million Dollar Man

OK, I know that I said I was going to fix EVERYTHING wrong with me this year. At 45, your heart tells you that it's halftime - but your brain tells you that it's way into the third quarter because you're a boy. And there are no boys in the nursing homes. Why? Because we all just drop dead one day. We refuse to linger, you know, places to go and people to see!

So, I had the titanium rods put in on 2-15. Still hurts bad. Had Lasik surgery on my eyes on 3-28. Now on 4-12 I'm going to the dermatologist to see if I have any skin cancer thingys and then Friday 4-13, I'm going to have a vasectomy.

How's that for a full medical schedule.

I think all I have left now is a shoulder problem but I'm going to let the back heal before I saddle myself with a one-arm operation.

Interesting thing about the vasectomy is that I chose a lady urologist. A pretty one. She asked me why I chose her and I told her that I was either old-fashioned or forward thinking (not sure which one) but if I'm going to put my jewels in someone's hand, I wanted it to be a pretty girl instead of a thick fingered man.

Perfect logic in my book.

My love has promised to be there and hold my hand. I'm a little nervous and there is also the Friday the 13th thing also going on. the only thing I'm really looking forward to is producing the semen samples they will need to determine when I'm officially sterile. I've had doctors tell me to do some pretty bad stuff - but that sounds like fun!

I'm sure that I've written about the Lasik stuff - but OMG, what an amazing thing. To be able to look and see for miles. I would recomend that everyone save up and have that done.

I'll get back to you on the vasectomy.......

On another note about that - on the way out of my initial appointment the nurse pulled me aside and told me that it would be in my best interest if I shaved "down there" the night before. Then she smiled. No other explaination, just a smile.

That should be fun.

All I know for sure at this point is that I'm not putting Nair "down there" because that stuff always burned on my legs when we shaved down for swim meets. So I guess all of this will be interesting. I'm thinking electric razor and pray that it works. I hate to think about blades "down there". And waxing is out of the question. Sometimes I wish I was a girl so I would know what to do.

I went to my family doctor yesterday and was ready to take pills for my bad eating habits but somehow in the month between when I had a horrible report on my levels of EVERYTHING and the blood test from two weeks ago, everything was way below normal. He accused me of sending in someone to give blood for me. But I really have tried to change my eating habits and it bore great results. I don't have to go back for six months when he'll grease up his finger and "do me". That's always fun. I can't wait for ALL of you to turn 40. It's a blast!

I love Paige more today than I ever have and my life is wonderful - thorns and all.

I'm back on the tattoo wagon. Got two new ones on my arm that are very cool. Have an appointment on 4-20 to get one on my chest and I'm drawing a tribute tattoo for my dad that we'll do in May. That will make 21. It's so cool being an adult.

So I think that's all the news that is news. Probably more than you wanted to know, but it's my blog - so shut up!

So peace be with you and don't forget to pray. It works!

Easter is for Eating

Easter is a wonderful time for me. I'm a very spiritual person and Easter can put you on overload for that kind of stuff.

Looking out over the congregation on Easter from behind a microphone with a kick ass band behind you is quite a trip. You see all the familair faces, you see some people you haven't seen in years as they came "home" for Easter.

And then you see those twice a year people (Christmas and Easter ONLY).

But it's quite moving to see that many people in one place for one purpose.

Very cool.

But over and above the spiritual things - there is the food!

Friday night, my love's brother came in from Nashville and I cooked a wonderful pot full of psketti and meatballs with some cheesebread loaded up with garlic and other wonderful attachments.

Didn't eat too much that night.

Went to my love's family reunion they have each year at Easter on Saturday. 50+ people there and I ate more food than a human deserves to eat. I think it was 10 (ten) deviled eggs. And that was just to start!

I'm not usually a big eater and I truly know that I ate 3 plate fulls of food.

Then Sunday after church I went up to the farm for my family's feast and ate more.

Then Sunday afternoon, went to the preacher's house for a birthday celebration for his wife and cooked on the grill for an hour or so and enjoyed chicken, hamburgers and hotdogs (especially the hotdogs!).

So by the time we got home last night, not only was my heart full of hope and love, my stomach was overflowing with the riches of our excessive American lifestyles!!!

And I loved every minute of it.

Unfortuantely, it was all tempered by my mother now being in a nursing home. That is quite frankly, the most depressing thing I have ever experienced. The fact that she begs me not to leave when I get ready to go doesn't help much.

I'm sure I'll get used to this as we get used to everything in life - but if I didn't have a girl that loved me and did so much for me, I don't think I could survive this.

So thanks love - and keep it coming. I need you. And I NEVER say things like that because I'm Mr. Self-Reliant. But Oh God, I need you.

So I hope everyone got something out of Easter - even if it was just some chocolate!!

Peace.

Blogger Hell

Here we are during Holy Week and I feel as if I have been through blogger hell. I need to post because I have so much to say but I don't have time or energy. How's that for the perfect contradiction?

So, just to catch up. My back surgery fixed everything but it still hurts like hell where I was cut open and those titanium rods were screwed into my spine. Should last another two months or so.

Had Lasik surgery last week. Holy Shit! How cool was that? I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles. But now, I can't see ANYTHING within 12 inches. Dr. says you can trade one for the other but you can't have everything. But all I wanted was to get on my motorcycle and go-go-go without having to deal with glasses anymore. And I didn't die. I was scared enough to die, but I didn't. I MADE IT!

My mother had her OTHER leg amputated on Friday. Bummer. She has to go to the nursing home now and that's just not good. I have rented her apartment for another month so I can move all her stuff out slowly as to not make my back angry.

It sucks being the only child of an only child. But my love helps me more than I deserve. She helps in all phases of my life and if I could spend a thousand lifetimes trying to thank her for all that - it still wouldn't be enough.

Got the fence put up at the house and they are about to start building the barn as soon as the stump grinder gets through getting all the stumps out of the way from the trees we had removed.

Bought some incredible new lawn toys for this season. Got a new push mower for the edges. Got a 50" Toro zero-degree radius riding mower that I swear will do 55 mph. Got a new edger, blower, weed eater. Even got a new back. And I used all of them on Saturday and I didn't die.

When you have back surgery - your view of life changes. I now judge things not on how much I enjoy them - but on whether or not I die.

So that's all the news for now. Bought the new Neil Young Live at Massey Hall 1971 CD/DVD combo - blown away as usual. But I think now that I've spent all I can spend for a while so I think I'll just concentrate on trying to stay at work for a whole day.

So until the next time: Peace be with you.