Friday, October 31, 2008

10 Year Old Blues

I asked my 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know", he said, bursting into tears............

"Promise me that you'll never tell me", said my son through his tears.

Confused, I asked what was wrong.

He sobbed,

"When I was six, I got the "There's No Easter Bunny" speech".

"At seven, I got the "There's No Tooth Fairy" speech".

"At eight you hit me with the "There's No Santa" speech".

"Now you want to tell me that grown ups really don't get laid and if you do, then I'll have nothing to live for"!!!

Happy Halloween!!!

I'm about to go get ready for the chili cookoff but I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween.

I think it's a very cool holiday thing.

And further more, I think all those folks who think it's about worshiping the devil are stupid motherfuckers.

So there. Take that you Southern Baptists and Mormans!

I say go out and have fun. Have lots of fun!!!

And beyond all that - remember what Saint Bob (the Dylan) said: "He not busy being born is busy dying".

That's the Honest to God truth. So today, start over, be the person YOU want to be. Put the past behind you and start anew.

We're given that choice each day. And if we fail to choose it, it's no ones fault but ours.

Thank you God for allowing me to understand that and to all the people that get irritated when I wake up in the morning and start brand new with a happy heart - sorry if I irritate you but I choose happiness and joy. I choose it now and I'll choose it tomorrow and the next day after that.

I'm going to be reborn again tonight.

How about joining me?


Elvis is King!

Thank you, thank you vury much..........

No not that Elivis.

I speak of one Elvis Costello. Say it with me "Elvis is King" "Elvis is King" "Elvis is King"!

The greatest new wave artist of all time. The man that tamed punk and made it palatable to the masses and of his first and greatest album "My Aim Is True".

I was in London in 1979 hanging around The Picadilly Circus like any cool 18 year old looking to score some weed would be doing. And lo and behold, there is Buddy Holly look-alike playing an electric guitar with a single amp for all it's worth. Singing songs of social revolution and abstract ideals.

And I was hooked. Hard!

I went to the nearest record store and bought this album. I still have it on original Stiff Records Vinyl. I held that thing in my lap all the way back over the ocean which occurred on the same day that Sky Lab fell back to Earth (but that's another story!).

Oh how I still love this album. I listen over and over and over and never tire of it. It's like it is somehow burned into my consciousness where it will reside forever.

Elvis Costello is actually DeClan MacManus but he created this persona in 1976 to get some attention. He submitted demo tapes to Stiff Records in '76 but they just wanted him for his songwriting. So he took to turning up at meetings with his guitar and just blasting away. He would do it on the street and in doorways. He was relentless.

Finally, Stiff put Nick Lowe on to produce the songs with Clover as the band in the studio. Now I know none of us ever heard of Clover but there was one Huey Lewis as the singer of the band. So that's at least a cool footnote, ain't it?

He had to call in sick to his job as a data entry clerk to record the album which happened in just 6 four hour sessions and cost him about 1000 pounds!

Finally he found some success and a following, and the rest is history.

It's just that I feel like I was in on it - and that, for me, is very cool.

VH1 rated this album the 80th best ever in their "countdown" and those numbers are always arbitrary - but I guess it's good to be in the top 100.

So if you haven't heard this one in a while - or if you're retarded and have never heard it, do yourself a favor and give it a listen.


Side One

1. welcome to the working week

2. miracle man

3. no dancing

4. blame it on cain

5. alison

6. sneaky feeling

Side Two

1. (the angels wanna wear my) red shoes

2. less than zero

3. mystery dance

4. pay it back

5. i'm not angry

6. waiting for the end of the world

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Election Erection

It's getting down to the nut cutting now. Just a few days to go and I'm excited about the election.
I feel very strongly about this.
I do so believe that we are at a turning point in our history and we need to change course in a very drastic, but strong manner.
I watched Obama's 30 minute "infomercial" last night and I must admit that for the first time in my life, I was moved.
I'm not sure what it is -but this man exudes leadership and makes me think that he can lead us as a bright and shining example of the city on the hill.
I'm sad in that where I live I am in a distinct minority. I live in a place where, I'm sad to say, we're not going to vote for a black man. Mississippi has made a lot of progress on the racial front but not to the point where we will elect one.
I'm sad that so many of the people that I love and trust truly believe that this man is the anti-christ. Very bizarre behavior in my opinion.
But we'll see what happens. I know it will be very close. But in the desperate reachings of the McPain ticket, I have seen such venom spit out in the closing week that it truly makes my stomach turn over. They really do seem like cartoon characters to me - hence the cartoon at the beginning of this post................
So please go vote. Vote for the man you think will lead us out of the wilderness we find ourselves in. Vote for the man that can bring us back into harmony with the rest of the world where we won't be so isolated and hated by so many.

Chili Cook Off

Well, tomorrow is Halloween and I'm pretty darned excited about it.

I love Halloween.

I'm not even sure why I love Halloween except for the fact that in my mind, I know that I'll get to see my love dressed up in some costume that will inevitably lead me to a fantasy scenario in my head which will make me so very happy.............

Yes, yes, case you girls didn't realize it - us boys never stop that. We fantasize at least once every hour of our day - awake or asleep! I'll always remember Richard Pryor talking about the crazy stuff he used to think when he was smokin' crack.............

"OK baby, you take your clothes off and I'm going to run around on the roof three times naked and when I jump off the roof - you sit on my face."

And I've never smoked crack - but some of the thoughts I have from time to time do involve some very strange things.............

And that's all I've got to say about that!!!

Still, we went to a costume party this past weekend and my baby dressed up in her wickedly sexy sheriff's outfit and it did it for me. She always does it for me.........ah, lucky me.

But since we live in a neighborhood devoid of neighbors I'm pretty sure that we won't have anything fun to do at our house on All Hallow's Eve.

We're going to our church for a little Trunk-N-Treat which is pretty cool because all the little poor neighborhood children can come and get boat loads of candy from us rich white folk and it's in a very good setting.

But better than that, I'm participating in a chili cook-off. I made the chili this past Sunday so it's been sitting (in the fridge for you food nazi's) for the better part of a week. It was very yummy when I made it so I can only imagine that it's real darned tasty by now! We'll see...........

I didn't make it hot so everyone could try it - but I'll supply some hot sauce and other "special" condiments so people can doctor it up. I know I'll win unless the fix is in. Which I'm sure it is. I'll just have to report the results next week.

So in the meantime, eat some candy. Put on a costume and let it all hang out.

Switching gears..............

The day after Halloween is All Saints Day, which is a very holy day for me. I take that time to honor my loved ones that have gone on before me.

I miss my father so much. I miss sharing the joy that I have in my life now with my wife. I miss him seeing how wonderfully my life has turned out. He would have loved Paige so much. She is his kind of girl!

I miss him dearly as I sit here at this very moment with tears running down my cheeks...........yea, so I'm a little misty today - bite me!

But I do firmly believe that I will see him again. And that gives me comfort.

I miss my grandmother too.

Actually, I miss both of my grandmothers but especially my mother's mother who I called "Big Momma" because she had, and I quote Richard Pryor again, "she had the biggest titties in the world!".

She was an amazing woman - the adminisrator of the hospital in Picayune, MS back in the time when women didn't do things like that. There is still an award given in her name each year by the Mississippi Hospital Association for it's financial officer of the year award. She had a 70 year service pin from the Red Cross. 70 freakin' years, can you imagine???

But beyond all of that. Beyond the things she accomplished in life, the most amazing thing to me was that she loved me more than I can ever comprehend. She loved me when I was bad, she loved me when I was good and she even loved me when I was a teenager!!!

She was the one that showed me that no matter what happens, when you love someone that is what you show when things are bad. She showed me that you look on the bright side of life and hold on to the good things while forgiving all the things that irritate you.

I was her only grandchild and she was so proud of me. And that love truly transcends everything else.

As I love my wife each day, through the good times and the not so good ones, she is my example and the reason that I can recognize that no matter what happens, that the love is the best thing you have and it is the thing that comes first.

So thank you Dad - and thank you Big Momma. My life is wonderful because of the example that you set for me and my prayer is that I will live up to your expectations of me and that I will be able to pass along the gift of unconditional love to those in my life.

Peace be with you today.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Vroom, Vroom

I have been very disappointed and yet happy that I have a motorcycle again.

Disappointed because my last bike was the bike of my dreams and the one I got now was a very poor substitute but fell under the heading of "better than nothing".

Happy because, well, it was better than nothing.

Then I decided to turn that frown upside down...........

I found a way to customize this thing so that there will not be another one like it in the entire universe!

This bike is going to be the coolest bike on the road and while it may not have all the ammenities that I crave in my old age, it will have a "wow" factor that will put me at the top of the cool, cat-daddy pile for years to come.

And I'd like to thank my wife for her amazing encouragement and patience through this process and, well, quite simply, I just always like to thank her for being the most amazing person I have ever known because I love her more than I love breathing.

So I guess that's all the news that is news in my world. So Happy Halloween to all you ghosts and goblins out there.


Monday, October 27, 2008

Lucky Boy

Friday night, my love and I went to New Orleans for a little R&R - which loosely translated means a great meal and hotel sex!

It was wonderful.

Our meal was amazing and even though we drank too much, a good time was had by all!

The next morning we met some friends at the Cafe' Du Monde for some beignets and coffee and we got our sugar high for the day!

When we got home, we went to a 10 year old birthday party way the hell out in the country and then on to a halloween party in town. And that was fun. We dressed up like cowboys/sheriffs/old west lawmen or whatever you want to call it. But my baby was cute in her pink old west outfit. I just looked like my normal self going to shoot stuff. I even took my real guns which caused quite a stir.

But everyone felt safer for it!!!

So it was a good weekend and once again, I'm feeling like a very lucky boy.

I hope you're lucky too.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.

"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it areall his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him ,shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has agood time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...............

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:

"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barrenland covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. Flames burn all around and everyone is sobbing and moaning.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends are miserable."

"What happened?

"The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning............................Today you voted."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Today Totally Sucketh

Ever have one of those days where nothing went right? Where just the very act of living seems to be an invitation for someone to yell at you???

Well today is that day!

I think it's because when we all wake up in the morning these days - it's STILL DARK. And that sucketh big time! I hate waking up when it's dark. It's unnatural and your body thinks you're crazy and therefore does everything in it's power to not cooperate with you.

Then when you get to work you find that everyone else in the world who has been up for hours (because they live in a country on the other side of the world) is mad at you for things you didn't do.

So tomorrow if it's not better - I may just stay in bed!!!


Monday, October 20, 2008

My Ass Hurts

620 miles from my house to Daytona Beach, FL

My ass took it like a champ.

200 assorted miles for the two days putting around Daytona.

My ass started aching and therefore it took it not quite as enthusiasticly as the rest of me did.

620 miles back from Daytona Beach, FL to my house in Hattiesburg, MS................................

My ass pained me before I even climbed aboard to come home.

Now I realize that it had been a good 2 years since I've been on a motorcycle trip and that it would be hard on me. I was worried about my back giving out. But that little yellow devil of a doctor did some amazing surgery on my back and it didn't give me one minute of trouble.

But oh my aching ass!!

New bike (for me)
Hard seat (for me)
Fat ass (for me)

All of these things combined to give me an ass-ache of biblical proportions.

Plus the fact that I look like "Larry the Lobster" from the sunburn my head took from riding all those days in the sunshine with no protection on it..............

Oh the joy!!! This is what it means to pay for play for us old guys.

But it was a good trip. It felt like home to be back on a bike putting miles and miles under my belt.

I missed my family so very much which made the "renegade throw caution to the wind biker dude" in me wonder if I had finally lost it.

But once again it all worked out.

My wife missed me. She told me on several occasions so I know it was true and not just the wine talking!

And I was so very happy to get back home. Even when I got there and realized that I didn't bring my keys with me so I was locked out of my house.

But eventually I was rescued by my wonderful step-daughter so all is well that ends well. At least itr was after I took a long, hot shower.

But my ass still hurt.

Even on the couch, my ass hurt.

Even laying in bed, my ass hurt.

Today at work, sitting in my chair, my ass hurts.

So I'd ask that you change your prayers from those of safety on the road for me to healing for my ACHING ASS.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Time After Time

You know she really does believe that humans and dinasours both roamed the earth 6000 years ago, don't you?


I've got 4 to 1 odds that McCain is going to explode in a very public manner before the election is over.
There's a lot of bad karma coming his way.
I could not believe how George W. and Karl Rovefuckfacebitchwhore abused him in the 2000 election. How they destroyed a man's character in such a horrible fashion and smiled afterwards because "that's just how the game is played".........
No one deserved that kind of treatment and it's a shame that our elected officials engage in this sort of thing all in the name of the ends justifying the means.
But now John has jumped on that bandwagon and has stated that these last few weeks will be all negative with hints and allegations of untrue issues and slanderous mud slingings.
Oh yea, I'll be glad when it's over. John is losing. And he's losing rapidly now. And he doesn't like it so we will get it splattered all over us.
This is going to end up like his career at the Naval Academy where he graduated 4th from the bottom.

Only Three More Weeks!!!

Harley Freakin' Davidson

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

After many comments on my biking status I am officially announcing the birthing process of a new motorcycle.

In the past few years, I can honestly say that several of my dreams came true.

The first and foremost of those is the procurement of my wife!!! It sits well with a boy when he's got the girl he dreamed about in the same bed with him each night.

The other thing was my Harley Davidson Screaming Eagle Road Glide. A factory custom that was so shiny in the sun that people would stop what they were doing and just stare. A bike so rare that of the millions of motorcycles that Harley makes - they only made 500 just like that one.

And of course, most of you know the sad story that followed - that my son-in-law, yea, the one that knocked up my daughter and is now in prison, well, he totalled it for me.

In the intervening time, we (meaning me and the girl of my dreams) purchased our dream home. It is a wonderful home and both of us simply love and adore it. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to go home to that place every day. It truly is an honor for me but more than that, my love is very happy there and that makes it all worth while!

But since I have never hit the lottery nor am I a gazillionaire, well, we just have to pay for the house the old-fashioned way. And that payment pretty much eats up all my "disposable" income..................**sigh**

And that was a choice I freely made and with no regrets. None at all.

But that also meant that I had nothing left over for a motorcycle.

And since I do sincerely believe that if you put forth an effort in life, you will be rewarded in time. It may not be in your time but it will happen.

Therefore fate, once again, smiled down on me and I got a chance to purchase a 1998 Fat Boy from a friend of mine.

Now this bike is NOT the bike of my dreams. The engine is 4 generations old and it's just not what I had in mind for me.

But the price was right - and more importantly for me, while mulling these things around in my head, fate sent me several people who told me that they could help me make this bike into something that I would be proud of.

And with that, I was off and running. My imagination and creativity were at full speed.

That process has started now. I'll be looking for more ideas while I'm at Daytona but the basic fact of the rebuild will include custom made gas tanks and fenders, a bitchin' paint job, a hot motor rebuild and to top it all off, some very cool red spoke wheels with gangster white wall tires.

So that's the story on the "new" bike.

What's your story?


Monday, October 13, 2008

Daytona Beach Boogie

Well, on Thursday I am mounting my Harley Davidson with a bag packed on the back and heading south for about 600 miles all the way to Daytona Beach, FL.

Wanta go with me?

Well you can't - it's a boy trip and besides, there is no room on the bike for you!

I'm excited and a little nervous even though I've taken this trip at least 10 times in my life. This will be the first time I have done this since my back surgery. And I'm praying that my back will be up for it.

Riding long distances is great for clearing your head and allowing you time to think important thoughts. But it's also very physically challenging. As a matter of fact, it's just plain hard.

But I think I'm ready. And if you think of it, sometime on Thursday, please say a little prayer for me because that stuff really works.

I'll let you know how it goes when I get back.


Friday, October 03, 2008

Sold Down The River (Screwed/Blued/Tattooed)

I'd like to thank our Congress for a trillion fucking dollars of debt for all the wrong reasons. So without any embarassment, this tit's for you - you scum-sucking ass-faced sausage-fingered dillweeds.

I can't wait until history gets a chance to evaluate this bone-headed move.

Football rocks Baseball

Looks to me like it's athletics with benefits - but then I was a swimmer, what do I know?

Go Cubs!!!

Yea, speaking of baseball..............

I knew that everyone had their hopes way too far up. Or up way too far. Or however you should arrange those four words for what I'm trying to say!

The Cubs were WAY TOO GOOD - WAY TOO OFTEN this year. (Did the capital letters help?)

Karma dictates that if you're way too good way too many times that when you really need to be way good or even regular good - then you're simply going to suck.

It's like a law or something.

I guess that's why they lost the first two games of the playoffs..............

At least we're safe from the ghost of Harry Carey for another year.

I wish you better luck than they have.


Thought For The Day

Thursday, October 02, 2008


Just for the record: My wife is hot. Really hot.

As we were shopping at a few hal-o-rip-off-ween stores for the perfect costume for a 9-year old, I trailed along silently just observing and happy for my place in her world.

And I could not help but notice that from whatever side I watched her from, she was just simply hot.

We went to get a bite to eat after finding the perfect costume (Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz) for a 9-year old and I sat across from her in the booth.

Same thing. She was still hot.

We went home and watched some tv. I would glance over every once in a while at her laying on the opposite couch from me. Yep, still smokin' hot.

Now I go to be somewhere around 3-4 hours after she does most nights and last night was no exception. So as I crept in the bedroom around to my side of the bed, I looked across at her sleeping and even in the dark there was a glow about her and I'll be damned if she wasn't just as hot as ever - right there - sound asleep and drooling in the dark.

Yes boys and girls, I am one lucky man.

Hope your luck improves one day as well!!!